So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
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In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
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I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
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