I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
