I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
im six kinds of drunk right now
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
