this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
The best revenge is premature balding
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
