There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
