We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I had to cum in my sink.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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