The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
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