holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
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