The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
