Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
