$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Randomize
