She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I AM VODKA MAN
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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