On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
