So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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