It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
Randomize
