I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
So did he inherit the massive family cock?
:(
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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