Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
