the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
