A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
