tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
