I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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