New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
