I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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