I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
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