i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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