i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
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Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
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Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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