go do what you do best...puke behind churches
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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