We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
