Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
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