i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
