i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
