Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
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