He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
