You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
