I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
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