$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
