my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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