I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
