Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
