Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
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