Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
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