for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize