I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
