My nipple is on Facebook.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
