He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
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