I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
