I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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