I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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