So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Randomize
