but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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