He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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