I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
