Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
jump out the window naked night went bad
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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