I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
