Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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