Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
