I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Randomize
