I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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