If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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