I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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