Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
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I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
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eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
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