Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
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I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
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I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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