She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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