you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
