Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
