I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
